it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
