I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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