Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
