Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
