six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Is it penis luge time yet?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
