I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
one might say we're banned from that church
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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