I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
