Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
