i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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