He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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