so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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