Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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