it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
