you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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