Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
