I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
