I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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