omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
