don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
