Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize