oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
two words...techno handjob
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
