I just pynch a tree in the face
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
