my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
