I'm jealous of your bromance
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dignity is for republicans.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
