i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
