You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
