i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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