I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
