Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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