I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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