I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
