Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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