remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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