we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
