What a fucking waste of an outfit
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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