I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
