I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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