At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
