I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
