Can i not drive my cunt home
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
