So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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