Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
