can we get nightvision for the apartment?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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