I'm lost and stupid without you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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