I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
