I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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