No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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