you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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