dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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