So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
