its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Come see our sink grown plant.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
