i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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