Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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