she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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