grandma shit on top of the toilet
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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