she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
