Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
