apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We left the knife in your bed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
