My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
