i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
