He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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