you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
