she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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